


Rooftop

by EponineFaye



Category: Morrilla - Fandom, Once Upon a Time RPF, morilla
Genre: AM - Freeform, Angst, Cute, F/F, I, I hate myself, Romance, Tears, come on - you can do it, doing here, hate me with me, makeout, real fic, what the fuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-09
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-01-24 03:57:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1590797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EponineFaye/pseuds/EponineFaye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lana and Jen drinking on Jen's roof, and then clumsy, horrible mistakes afterward. Cute things. Sad things. Prompt from Tumblr: Just a sappy makeout fic and I add in the hurt. You're welcome. I'm not actually sorry. FEELS LET YOU KNOW YOU'RE ALIVE!! Reviews make me smile. You are loved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"I want to be a back up singer."

Lana laughed. "For who?"

Jen shrugged, "Doesn't matter. Someone."

"You don't care?"

She shook her head, feeling the fuzzy sensation further envelope her senses. 

"You can be my backup singer." The brunette smiled and scooted closer. 

"What kind of singer would you be?"

"One that sang... songs." She nodded. "I would sing songs."

"What genre?"

She thought for a moment. "Like 90's pop."

"Jesus..."

"What?" She grinned.

"I take it back."

"You wouldn't be my back-up singer?"

"Not it if it was fucking scrunchie-spears style. Hell to the no."

"You'd still do it - for me."

"Mmmmmmmmmmmm... maybe."

"You would."

The taller woman closed her eyes to the chill of the night. The tiny flannel blanket did little good against the concrete atop her apartment building. She lifted her arm from her side to circle around under Lana's head, and in turn she picked up her head and smiled as a toned arm supported her and snuggled up next to the blonde's thick cable-knit. 

"Do you feel cool now?" 

Jen nodded.

"You're cute."

"Am not."

"Are two."

"I'm tough."

"You're fucking adorable."

"Hush."

Lana elbowed her - a little harder than she meant to.

"Ow!"

She laughed. "I'm sorry!" She rubbed the spot gently. "I thought you were so tough?"

"I'm tough after five shots - four, I'm still a little fragile."

"How do you survive when you're sober?"

Jen pursed her lips and lifted her eye brows. "I'm an actor."

"So am I."

"You're an actor who believes in drinking under the stars being romantic."

"You don't?"

"I think it's probably better classified as a safety hazard."

The brunette grinned. She flipped on her side, looking up at Jen from a chizzeled shoulder under the fabric. As soon as Jen looked down, the smaller woman's smile started to fade. 

"What's wrong?"

She shook her head. 

Jen picked her head up. "Are you getting drunk-sad."

Tears started to bubble in her vision. "No."

"Hey, stop that." 

Lana hid her face in her hands and Jen rolled on her side and hugged her with her free arm. There wasn't any sobbing, but the tears rolled through her mascara as her breath started to become shaky. 

"Kiddo, what's wrong?"

A smile peeked out behind her palms. "I'm older than you."

Jen kissed her forehead. "You going to tell me what's going on?"

"I don't want to."

"Well, do it anyway."

Lana just shook her head. 

The blonde just kept hugging her for a while, pressing her cheek into the short chocolate tresses that were pulled back into the occasional pony. 

After taking a few long breaths, the shorter woman pulled back. She rolled over the slightest bit to rest her cheek against her fist and to trace little patterns on Jen's collar bone with her free hand. Her eyes stayed trained on her fingernails rather than on the other woman's face. 

"He asked me to marry him." 

At that she stiffened a bit, but not enough to show Lana that it really bothered her. She shrugged. "It was bound to happen sooner or later.."

Lana nodded and swept a tear away. 

"What did you say?"

She smiled in a sad sort of way. "I told him I had to think about it." 

"Why?" Jen gulped the anxiety down from her throat, or tried to. 

"Why do you think?" She climbed up closer to the blonde, swaying ever so slightly with inebriation. "We're on a blanket on your rooftop, all cuddled up. How much more like a Nicholas Sparks novel could we get?"

"I could be an attractive, muscular man." 

"I have one of those, Jen..." She shook her head. "I'm here - instead of with him." 

"It's just 'cause I have good alcohol." 

Lana shook her head.

"And a rooftop?"

"Please don't make me have to spell it out for you. I barely have the courage to bring it-" 

Jen grabbed the scarf around Lana's neck and pulled her bottom lip between her own. She just held her lips there, keeping her eyes shut tightly. This moment had been avoided many times before but it kept getting harder as time drug on. Something about it the moment seemed like it was just too much to skirt away from this time. Like they were too close and too far above the world not to take the chance - if they did it would be an affront to nature and all things holy. 

Lana was the one to readjust and deepen, her lips almost trembling against the thinner ones beneath her. But her whole body was trembling. She'd blame is on the cold, of course, but that wasn't it. 

Jen flipped them over, careful not to crack Lana's head against the concrete. Her hands grasped the caramel forearms while hands gripped either side of her face gently, not daring to let her go yet. 

Then just a bit of tongue - not enough to be obscene, but enough to make Lana shake just a little more and hum a soft moan into the kiss. Jen's heart started to race and colors began undulating beneath her eyelids. Her head was swelling with the heat building within her and the alcohol swirling in her belly. 

Just as her lips began their path down Lana's neck the sobbing started. 

Her first instinct was to stop and hug the smaller woman to her, offering small soothing noises, but Lana pushed away, hugging herself and shaking her head. "God, I hoped you'd turn me down... or let me down easy or something."

There were long beats of silence before Jen sat up. "You're going to say yes..."

Lana looked back at her and gave her a look that bypassed all explanation. 

Before her frown could deepen, Jen leaned back in, crushing her lips to the other woman's hoping to leave a lasting mark on her own if anything - to feel what wouldn't be there for at least a little longer.

As soon as she pulled away, she was getting up and walking away. She didn't care if it was her apartment, she could still lock herself in her room and wait for Lana to leave on her own. If any of it came up on Monday, she'd deny it and ignore it and deny it again. 

Her heart was beating so heavily in her ears she almost didn't hear Lana calling after her. 

Not that it mattered. She let the door slam and descended the stairs before allowing herself to cry at all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not necessarily planning on keeping this going - people have asked me for more probably more than any other story so far, so I'm giving it to them, but I don't have a plan for it. If the demand for it keeps coming then I'll continue, however if it dies out, so will the story.   
> Not trying to piss anyone off, I'm just saying exactly what I'm thinking which I haven't done very much as an author thus far.... so.... yeah. There that is. Hope you all enjoy anyway.

"Fine."

Jen's answer for everything that morning was "Fine."

Generally the questions one asks a co-worker on a Monday morning are _"How are ya?"_ or _"How was your weekend?"_

So Jen was fine. To every inquiry Jen was just fine, and if anyone asked further she could brush them off and tell them she needed coffee before she could actually communicate with other humanoid life forms. She almost wanted to laugh at her own exaggeration, but the constant dread eating at her stomach that Lana would be around the next corner being her regular goofy self, wouldn't let her

That or worse - she could be showing off a gigantic stone on her finger and giggling and going over details of the proposal with anyone who would listen and probably a few people who genuinely did not want to listen. That would be way worse than just the same ol' Lana. Engaged goofy Lana would probably make her puke out of complete heartache and run away, somewhere dark and unmistakably similar to an Evanescence music video, in which she would purposefully put on far too much mascara, only to cry it into carefully planned streaks - then eat french fries.

"Hey!"

_Fuck off, Josh._

Jen shook the thought from her mind and threw on a smile that looked far more like a line. "Hey, dad."

He grinned and chucked just like the charming asshole he was. "How ya doin'?"

She squinted at him. "Fine..."

"What?"

"Nobody asks that unless there's something strung along after it."

He shakes his head. "No.. you were just kind of... b-lining for your trailer mouthing things to yourself. Definitely didn't have anything other than a cheerful greeting in that."

"Shit." She rolled her eyes. "You caught me mouthing my lines! How silly of me." She bonked herself on the forehead. "Feel free to call the firing squad. I deserve it."

His brow contorted as his head swiveled back on his neck, presumably confused on the hostility.

So Jen slapped him on the arm with her apology on her face. "I need caffeine. Where's the cart?"

He pointed and gave her a side-hug. "Outside of wardrobe, so they can remind us _again_ to drink before getting in costume."

After a wink, he slipped into his own trailer.

Jen just sighed. If she could get through today then she'd be fine. She had to be, because if not then the rest of the time she worked on this damn show she'd die inside a little more each day.

That was a little dramatic. I mean, Lana's pretty and special, and makes her feel like she's worth something more than a paycheck or a smile in the morning before the door slams... so what if she can make her laugh in the most horrible of circumstances. It's not like she's in love. If she was in love then the world would stop spinning and hell would freeze over and reach it's icy claws up and capture all the world, laughing at Jesus before extending an invitation to the messiah himself, at which point he throws some stunna shades own and...

Maybe she really did need caffeine. Thoughts like that are only produced out of complete and utter insanity on very dark days.

She rounded the corner and sighed - coffee cart was open. Zero people around to ask her how everything was.

She grabbed the cup, ripped open two sugar packets at the same time and dumped them in before pulling the lever down and the coffee came steaming out. It was scalding and perfect - burn away the memories, and focus on the work.

Who cares if there were like three scenes they were in together, right? Just another work day.

She wouldn't say anything. Jen sure as hell won't. Nope - goes against everything she's ever believed in. That shit is staying between her, Lana and Satan for all she cares.

Satan just for good measure - the Lord would never give her such horrible scenarios to crush her soul. It had to be the devil.

_What's with all the religious references today, man?_

"Is there any left."

Jen jumped, almost spilling her coffee, but let's be honest - she's far too skilled for that now.

Lana smiled, just for a moment, before her face went back to a cautious stare that's eerily close to blank. "Sorry."

"No - I mean yeah... there's coffee left." She shook her head and pointed to the machine. "Don't be.. sorry - it's fine."

Then that pregnant silence everyone dreads. Jen just stared at the lids, debating on grabbing one, if that would seem more nonchalant or if she should just rush into makeup and avoid everything.

"Are you.."

"You shouldn't have coffee.." Jen gulped, grabbing a lid but not looking up. "You're in costume - wardrobe will disembowel you if you spill on borrowed shit again."

"It was a scene in the diner!" Lana laughed.

Jen shook her head. "It's..." She made the mistake of looking at her face. Just the ghost of a smile, like she's so hopeful makes her heart feel like it's growing knives.

_Wolverine heart. Awesome. And very painful._

She looked back down and got a cup off the stack, placing it upright under the coffee spout. "Have some if you want to - I warned you."

"Hey!"

Nope. She has to keep walking. If she could get to her trailer, she could cry for a few minutes before hauling ass over to makeup and having them fix her. _Fuck._

All of this sucked.

The whole world sucked and no one knew how much except for her.

And there it was. Her hand was on the handle.

"Will you just talk to me?"

Jen shook her head and tried to open the door, but Lana blocked her again.

"Please."

"Why?" She didn't mean for it to come out as loud as it had, but there it was.

Lana stepped aside, letting the taller woman into the trailer. Jen had already let her lip curl under as she pulled the door closed, but she wasn't quite fast enough.

The latina shut the door behind her before leaning against the door frame. "We should... talk.. about things."

Jen took her shaky breath, then a sip of coffee for good measure. "What about?"

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

She shrugged, getting out her phone.

"Please don't ignore me - there's stuff." Her hands went to her hips. "There's big stuff we need to talk through."

"No there's not."

"How in the fuck..."

"There's shit that may or may not have happened we can easily ignore and go on with our lives." _Instagram. Perfect. Flip through pictures. Don't look at her._

There were beats of unoccupied air.

Then a sigh before humorless laughing. "Is that what you want? To just ignore everything?"

"Yup."

"You're such a child."

"Yup."

"Can you put your phone down?"

"No."

"Jen, put the phone down!"

"No!"

Lana chucked the phone across the small space and by the sound of it had it connect with the wall pretty hard.

"What the fuck?!"

"I gave the ring back!"

Jen could only stare blankly at the brunette as her shoulders slumped in shock.

Lana went back to the door frame holding her head.

The horrible tense feeling riled itself up in Jen's chest. The tears bubbled up but she kept swallowing the lump back. She wouldn't cry. There still wasn't any answers, she couldn't cry yet.

She couldn't find words - she didn't even know what would qualify to say. She didn't know what questions to ask, but she got up and hugged her friend. She guided Lana's arms around her neck and started to rub her back.

But Lana wasn't crying.

She pulled back and offered one of her goofy little smiles as she wiped tears away from Jen's eyes that were just beginning to peek over her lashes.

"I'm not engaged."

And just like that, the waterworks happened. Jen started sobbing and Lana happened to be the one to hold her, laughing, because she's Lana and laughter was the correct response, but the tears bubbled in her eyes too.

"Jen, don't... come on.."

"Fuck off - I'm so confused right now."

"Why? I'll clear it all up - ask me. What's happening?"

Jen wiped her face and looked perplexed all round the room. "Where the fuck is my phone?"

"No no no..." Lana grabbed her hands. "Come here, talk to me."

"Do I get to take you to prom now?"

"Be serious..."

The blonde's chin still shook. "You left me for two days thinking you were going to marry Mr. Boyfriend... blah blah blah he's so cool because he's Italian... and he already has kids and he's so perfect-"

Lana shook her head and took a step closer. "It doesn't matter anymore. I'm here." She pulled Jen's lips to her own.

But she only got a peck before Jen pulled away.

The baffled look didn't take more than half a second to plaster itself on her face. "What?"

Jen just looked at her like she couldn't believe what was happening. Because she couldn't. This was too good - too perfect to happen to her. Sure it was wonderful now, but it would be hell later. In a month or so Lana would get bored. She'd see all of her, and not be interested anymore. The month of awesome wouldn't be worth it. She'd just have that shining example nothing would ever compare to and nothing else would ever be as good. She'd leave and go back to Mr. Perfect and she'd remember the great sex and how she looked when she woke up in the morning and... life would suck without her.

"Jen..." Lana tried to smile. "Come on - I thought this is what you wanted."

"I don't..." She gulped, feeling like air was stuck in her throat. The tears kept coming. "I don't know- I don't know what I want."

"What are you talking about - this whole time... And on your roof-"

"Lana, we were drunk."

Lana's whole face got red, all the way up to her eyes. She let go of Jen's face and pressed her hands to either side of her neck. "Right."

Her insides were collapsing in on themselves. _God you're stupid._

"Lana..."

"I'm sorry..." She shook her head, her face beginning to contort into sobbing.

"Hey.. don't do that, come here.."

As Jen opened her arms Lana just shook her head and let her weight slide from foot to foot. "No, Jen, I just..."

And just like that she bolted - out the door and in god knows what direction, but gone.

Inside Jen knew she wasn't going to fix it. How could she? There was no way.

She locked the door and let herself crumple on the ground and cry. She knew she'd fucked everything over. But it had to be better that way - Lana would be with someone who had things going on inside his brain. Someone who could keep her entertained and have real, adult conversations with her.

If she let... whatever was about to happen, _actually_ happen, then she would only have let her make the biggest mistake of her life.

It wasn't a question, though, if she'd just made the biggest one of hers.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got another comment - read through it, and I'm posting another chapter because it just happened in my head. I'll only continue if people are reading. Otherwise it'll probably fizzle out again. 
> 
> Reviews make me smile. You are loved.

"Night guys!" 

Jen waved at the camera men and Collin, who for some reason made friends with the entire crew far faster than any of the actors. But he was hilarious. It was good to have another goofy face around the set, and one that didn't make her want to die. Not that she saw much of Lana. She had a wedding to plan and if she didn't use that as an excuse to avoid being anywhere near her if they weren't doing scenes. 

And everyone noticed. 

Even the new guys noticed. The kids even whispered around. And if kids can see tention then it's there then shit. Yet somehow after the break they could finally look at each other again. It wasn't pleasant but it wasn't with that awful, detached stare that would happen before. 

Jen just hung her head walking to her car. 

Sure, things were better, but they weren't good. She still had to stare at that fucking ring all day and watch her laugh and smile at everyone else. 

God, that smile. 

And her lips.

"Hey."

She turned around, almost dropping her keys, but she caught them against the door. All she could do was give one of those half-smiles before she straightened back up and realized Lana was just sitting there with one hand in her pocket and the other nursing the last half of a cigarette. 

Jen pointed. "I thought you quit."

She just shrugged. 

There was that damn glint from her ring again. 

"You okay?"

Another puff then she looked like she was going to talk before exhaling slowly. "I locked my keys in my car."

Fuck. 

Her gut twisted but she just gulped and leaned against her car. "I could give you a ride."

Lana's eyes turned then, staring at her with the depth Jen swore she would always be afraid of. 

"If you wanted." 

"Okay." She nodded and took one last long drag, throwing the butt to the ground and pressing it out with her boot. She held her breath all the way until she was on the passenger side and just waited for it to be unlocked. 

Jen could feel her shoulders tense as she got in. 

Lana didn't buckle her seat belt, but she couldn't say anything. She just drove a little slower and pretended she didn't notice. 

"How've you been?" 

Jen glanced over and Lana's eyes were somewhere far out the window. She made a turn before answering. "Okay. Busy.... I didn't expect to dig up so many old connections during the break."

The brunette only grunted. 

"What about you?"

"Fine."

It was too fast to be the truth. That or she didn't care about actually having the conversation. 

She didn't try anymore. She could feel the lump in her throat, but just kept driving until they were in a handicapped spot in front of her building. She shut the car off and put her hands in her lap. 

And Lana just stayed, pinching her bottom lip between her nails and staring out the window at what had to be nothing at all. 

"I miss you."

As soon as it came out of her mouth, she knew it wasn't the right thing to say. Jen let her shoulders slump, not having to look over to know the scowl Lana had for her. 

"Jesus." Her hand kept going, like she was trying to keep herself those few steps away from biting her nails. "Couldn't think of anything better than that?"

Jen didn't argue. 

They surfed over the empty air for a little while before Lana let out a long sigh. 

Jen looked over just in time to see her lift her head and blink back tears.

"Did I just imagine everything?"

Silence.

Her lip started to shake. "I feel so dumb. But then I remember sneaking out of rehearsal, and all of the giggling and flirting... and-" she had to sweep one away and gulp a few times, but she didn't look away from the window. "I just don't understand."

And what was there to say? That she was just a coward - to leave her fiance and get into a relationship that would probably end anyway. No one could stand her for more than a few months, and even then that was pushing it. The best she could do was just glare at her steering wheel and hope she was strong enough to not derail this awesome person for the second time - and on a life that would probably make her super happy. 

"Jennifer..." 

She turned her head, but only looked at the ring again. 

"You don't have anything to say?"

"I'm sorry." 

Lana shook her head and sank back in the seat, pulling one of her knees to her chest. "I locked all of my keys in my car. I'll just have to stay with you for the night."

Her heart burned in her throat. "What?"

"Unless you want me to curl up on the cement until they unlock the building in the morning. I can't get in without my backup set, which is in my apartment, which is in the building... and I have to have the manager for that. She won't get here until eight tomorrow."

Jen just stared ahead for a second before starting the car back up. 

She didn't say anything else as she drove. It was all she could do to think of all the ways she could avoid the latina in her tiny apartment, praying she was as pissed as she looked and that she'd stay that way. 

And sure enough as soon as she pulled into her spot Lana was out and dialing the code in the door, not waiting for Jen other than at the elevator, only to angrily mash the up button as soon as she got through the door. 

"Lana..." 

She stepped in the elevator and moved her eyes to her shoes. 

Jen sighed and followed her in. 

She stopped trying, and tried not to hate herself in ignoring every move Lana made instead. How to walk the line between giving her space and being completely polite was odd, but easier than pouring out her soul. 

Okay so I'm in love with you. Now what?

Yeah. That conversation would just go swimmingly. 

She opened the door and threw her keys on the table, peeled her coat off, then looked behind her as Lana closed the door. "You hungry?"

Lana shook her head and sat on the couch. 

"Water... or something?"

"Beer?" 

She just nodded, and grabbed two from the fridge. She almost sat next to her, but picked the other end of the coffee table instead, setting one down in front of Lana and hunching over so her elbows rested on her knees. 

Lana popped open the top and left the cap on the table. 

"I don't want you to hate me." 

"Could I borrow pajamas?" 

She let her eyes fall on Lana's face, but it was still turned, finding anything to look at but her. 

So Jen just nodded and grabbed shorts and a t shirt from her room, coming back out with a blanket and one of her pillows, dumping them on the chair. "You can have the bed." She already started back for her room. "I'll just grab some clothes for me and you can go back whenever." 

She didn't wait for an answer. 

It was just changing and glancing at herself in the mirror, hating herself a bit more. 

So what if it would end badly, right? If it happened at all at least she could accept it and cry and get over it? Maybe she should just tell the truth. 

Maybe... if she just said she was sorry and that it wasn't fake, she was just stupid and can't tell people how she feels. 

But heading out into the living room again, left her out of words.

Lana looked up, no shirt and half way out of her jeans. 

And Jen couldn't think or move.. or stop staring. Because her body was better than she ever day dreamed about and when you feel so strongly about someone and think they're hotter than anything else on two legs, how do you look away. 

Then there was that knowing look on her face, but pissed at the same time. She stepped out of her jeans the rest of the way and put her hands on her hips. 

"This is it?"

"Whh-uhm.. what?"

Lana padded over gently, and all Jen could read was anger and hurt. 

"It was just sexual." 

"No." Shit. That didn't sound confident at all. 

"No?" Tears again. But they just made her eyes red and her mouth turn down. They didn't swell like in the car. "You just freaked out when I turned Fred down. Because that was too serious, right? You don't want serious you just want this." Her hands turned out as she shrugged. 

Jen shook her head... or she thought she did. She was too close, and didn't have enough clothes on for her to pay attention. 

She took another step and everything was gone- her frown stayed but the rest of her face was blank. 

"Lana-"

"Shut up." 

And her lips did just that, taking any words Jen could possibly come up with and swallowing them before they could conger themselves. Her hands kept their lips together, holding Jen's face so she could keep crashing their mouths against one another. 

Jen's hands fell at her waist and almost immediately Lana let go and moved them up where her bra was forcefully and fast before she wrapped her arms around Jen's shoulders and pressing herself against her. 

"Hey.."

She tried to pull away but Lana kept at it, unclasping her bra by herself.

"Hold on."

"What!" She couldn't keep the tears down anymore, but didn't let it shake her. She grabbed at Jen's hands again putting them on her bare breasts before throwing her bra to the floor and lunging for her mouth, kissing her even though it wasn't reciprocated. "Do it. Just touch me."

"Stop it.." Jen whispered. 

And that was the last straw. 

Lana broke down. She just sobbed holding on to Jen's shoulders, and Jen held her - just wrapped her arms around her and hugged the smaller woman hard. 

"It's okay."

"No it's not!"

"Lana, relax."

She shrugged and moved her arms to cover herself but let her face fall to Jen's shoulder again. And Jen didn't move. Her hands stayed no lower than her biceps, rubbing her back gently. Lana kept whimpering until Jen took the chance - did something intentionally for a change, and kissed her shoulder. Then she just went quiet, leaning against the blonde. 

Jen gulped and rested her head on Lana's. "It's not just sexual." She turned so she could nuzzle her hair. 

But there wasn't anything from the other woman. 

"I'm scared. Nobody ever stays... and I didn't want to lose you. So I didn't want to have you in the first place."

"Didn't..." 

She turned to look at Jen but didn't move her head from her shoulder. 

"You should get into those pajamas." 

Jen stepped away carefully and turned around. She didn't have to wait too long for Lana to clear her throat, then picking up her bra and putting it on the pile with her other clothes. 

They sat on the couch, not quite touching but a lot less hostile than they'd been in a long time. 

And they just stayed like that - with one answer and so many more questions. Where do you go when there are already plans made? Is she going to stay with Fred? Does it mean she wants to be together now? 

But none of that would happen right now. Jen didn't know how to process anything else, so she reached for the remote and turned on some random reality tv and got the blanket, putting it over Lana too. Tears leaked from the brunette's eyes but she smiled anyway, a very weak, unsure smile. 

She slipped her hand into Jen's and moved just close enough so her head could rest on her shoulder. 

Jen slipped her fingers out of Lana's and put them back again, switching positions and playing over fingernails, finding little places to trace on her wrist. 

They didn't fall asleep for a long time, but when they did it was together, only their feet touching in the middle of the sofa, their heads at opposite ends. 

But it was together.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop. Rating change. thanks for reading. I still have no plan and will only continue if there is interest and/or if my brain can come up with anything else to throw in this. reviews make me smile. You are loved.

There was a point Jen knew she went too far. Somewhere between making an extra set of keys and showing up at all hours of the night just to sit next to a certain co-star could braid her hair in hotel rooms and back in Richmond.

Or was it that shy kiss she put on Lana's lips after bringing her coffee?

But of course she didn't let it sink in until she's standing there with her heart thumping in her throat right after she knocked on the door.

Lana opened it with a worried look. Late is late, but they have filming starting at 4am every other day. Usually their 'late' is midnight - quarter to one if she's pushing it. Not a half hour before she'd wake up.

But Jen couldn't take it anymore.

She could only just make it so she was inside with the door locked safely before she's on the brunette, kissing her like her life depends on it, and honestly she felt that way.

Lana was slow to respond, but didn't push away. No, after a minute she was right there too.

A year and a half of avoiding the subject and holding hands when no one was looking and this is what happens; a nearly literal explosion of sexual and emotional tension and hurt feelings and bruises they keep poking at by pretending they don't exist.

They were already dizzy and hot, and Jen's breath didn't smell great after two beers and the rest of the brownies she bought just because she was feeling sorry for herself but Lana pulls at her neck and her cheek bones anyway, pressing her breast into Jen's because she'd dreamed of it too many times - imagined it while in the arms of her husband and hated herself for it.

And they're all to aware of the silence around them when there's nothing to soften the sounds of their gasps on each others lips and the sighs filling the air as Jen's mouth catches her collar bone instead in one panicked move. Her hands went to Lana's rib cage to hold her in place and she could feel the latina's hands gripping at her shoulders, almost massaging, but she's pretty sure she doesn't have the composure to do it intentionally.

She can only stay away for a second before Jen tugs her friend so close to her it almost hurts as their chests expand into one another, but she needs to feel her there. Some kind of validation or all kinds she can find need to be burned into her brain so she can keep her head above water.

"I'm sorry.." Her words come out muffled between both pairs of lips, and it doesn't feel like she's sorry because her hands are already down Lana's shorts, grabbing at her ass. "God, I want you."

Her head tilts back and arches into the touch, rough or not it's been a hell of a long time coming. Screw that silent agreement they made after the wedding to keep things friendly and light. Look where that gets them - barely falling on the bed in time to strip one another of every last piece of fabric on their bodies until all there's left to pull at is heated flesh and answers to questions neither have the courage to ask.

But in the back of their minds it's there.

Why didn't she do this before the wedding?

How come she's still married? How come she married him in the first place?

Is sex disjointed somehow from her feelings? Does she know what she's feeling or is there too much in that tangled blonde mop of hers?

Why did she marry someone she was so ready to leave? Why nearly walk away just to go back and go through it?

In harmony with the confusion, though, was Lana drinking in all of Jens freckles splattered haphazardly over her body. Jen isn't surprised Lana has more scars - tiny ones that illustrate her carelessness.

Jen imagines she got them running through the forest, falling off of her bike. Lana seemed like the kind of person who would get a cut or a few scratches but take them with the experience, letting her body archive her life in whatever way it happened. And her lips find every last one on her way down, every little raised piece of tanned skin that is hardly noticeable, moving her way down until Lana's squirming and pushing the hair out of Jen's face when her teeth slide against her hip bone.

She's panting and shaking, and ready. Jen doesn't have to move her legs apart to know - she smells her everywhere, but she does. Her hands are gentle and loving and she kisses her way up a thigh, and then looks up to see Lana almost in tears trying to hold it together.

But she nods, so Jen closes her eyes tastes her. And god, is it more than she could have ever imagined. Lana gasps and stiffens and shakes some more, but scoots down at the same time the blonde buries her tongue as far as it'll go, letting her nose rub against Lana's clit. She has to look up again, needing to see this woman she can't stop herself from wanting simply unravel. And sure enough, her head is turned and her mouth open, both fighting for air and moaning in sharp crackling bursts.

Jen has to wonder if Fred ever touches her like this, and if not, then why the hell wouldn't he?

Her arms hook around Lana's thighs and she decides she could stay that way forever.

Then it seems like Lana gets her bearings just enough to push into Jens face again, in slow steady rolls of her hips, and Jen eyes the stomach muscles rippling in front of her, appreciating their shivering, then Lana's lips between her teeth and how her fingers are pressing on the top of her head lightly, not forcefully, but part of her knows that's what she'd rather be doing.

Her lips wrap around her clit in a sudden decision and Lana sobs out a few long moans. Her fingers replace her tongue and she's almost there. Lana's hands cover her face and then go into her hair. She looks down at Jen almost in disbelief and if it weren't for her free hand, the blonde would be all but crushed between some caramel legs.

All of the sudden every atom in the room is vibrating with the hissing gasps coming from the back of Lana's throat, and her back is arching so hard it has to be uncomfortable, but Jen, holds on. She's shaking and trying to back away but Jen adds a third finger and goes faster.

Even when she takes her mouth away Lana is white knuckling her sheets while her body is still trying to inch closer and pull away in time with Jen's hand. In fact Jen almost thinks it's too much until she kisses Lana's cheek and her arms wrap around her shoulders frantically.

Her hips are still riding out the sensations for all they're worth, and all she can choke out is, "There-there-there-there.." over and over again. So she doesn't stop.

There's a long squeal, then Lana's legs get tense and shake in a whole new way, straightening out and one of her hand goes to stop Jen's movements, but only gets to her forearm, before her body loses resistance and is just barely responding.

And Jen slows down.

And Lana leans her head against her cheek as she's trying to recover but the aftershocks are overwhelming.

So she just hugs her, waiting for the amazed, sated look on her face to soften. She doesn't get the chance to see before Lana's lips are on hers. Not in that molten way that they started with, but slow and deep and completely intentional.

Before she knows it, Lana's leg slips between hers and she's rocking her hips strategically, and Jen feels herself coating the tanned thigh she'd been kissing not too long ago. She moans into the kiss.

She lets Lana flip them over and scares herself with how small she feels under her. But Lana stays close. She's up on an elbow and never stops kissing. Jen's hands are on her hips, keeping pace, but the brunette's free hand catches a nipple and rolls it and and she turns just a little more urgent in her grinding.

But Lana's always full of surprises, releasing and letting her fingertips slide gently through the little layer of sweat over Jen's stomach. They settle between her thigh and Jen's swollen bundle of nerves and she realizes she's not in control anymore. Fingers slide in gently, slowly... and it's her turn to turn her head, and adjust, and feel the churning at the pit of her stomach. One arm loops under the one holding Lana up and grabs onto a shoulder and the other is pulling Lana's thigh, right under her ass, though it doesn't seem like she needs any help. Her palm is rubbing right where it should be and her fingers are so close to hitting that sweet spot, and Jen crunches her body so her head is bumping against the shoulder Lana's using to thrust her hand with. She's quieter, but it doesn't mean she feels it any less.

"Where?" Lana whispers, and kisses the shell of Jen's ear.

In between pathetic gasps Jen swallows and grips a little tighter. "Curl 'em... just-"

She does.

One of her legs curls up but all she's doing is pushing against Lana harder.

Vaguely there are lips on her neck, but her mind in all it's euphoria is spinning to the moment in the parking lot. Lana's eyes were hollow but... somehow expecting. Maybe she planned it, or she planned after she realized her keys were locked in. Flashes of walking back in the living room. How hurt she was.

Tears spring up in her eyes in the middle of her release. She tries not to let them fall, but a few of them slip down.

Lana kisses them away.

And they slow.

They don't stop.

After Jen's done they're still tangled together, moving. Jen rolls on top and then they fall onto their sides and kiss some more, and feel their bodies stick to one another in the most appealing way. And it happens all over again. Jen get's Lana on her stomach, one leg curled up so she can't move and help herself, then Lana's the one lapping up every bit of arousal, fingers clasped with Jen's on top of her milky thighs so they stay open.

Suddenly it's all too much. They're just laying there, still trying to catch their breath, but not wanting to leave the little space they have protected there - where their lips just brush and their fingers play in the curve of their waists, the small of the back and over the slopes of their breasts.

But Lana finally scoots under Jen's chin to close her eyes.

Smiling would be wrong. This isn't happiness washing over them in the still of the moment, it's reality. Not that they pull away and jump back into their clothes. No, they just sit there.

It was the moment Jen finally caught her breath she knew. "This is bad, isn't it?"

Lana just nodded.

Her arm came up to better hug the blonde with anyway. The sigh that happened mutually wasn't dreamy and romantic, but weighted and difficult.

"If I fall asleep, I want you to stay."

Jen has to frown at how small she sounded when said it. But she nodded and kissed her forehead. "We have to be on set in a couple hours anyway. We should be there now, but-"

"So nap with me."

"I love you."

Lana looked up, unreadable expression as always.

"I know it's the dumbest time I could pick to say it, but I think I have to jump or else I'll never get it out."

Her expression didn't change, but she tilted her head up more and Jen kissed her.

And they kissed until they slept.

Jen didn't expect an answer. She didn't think she deserved one. But she did it. Cards on the table, and she was terrified.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was rereading comments and then the story, and the idea for a new chapter had been floating around and it kind of put itself together. I apologize I can't be more reliable for this particular story (and others, to be honest), but I didn't start writing it with a story in mind. It was a request and it was supposed to be a one-shot, but the way it was received urged me to continue. I'm sorry to say that, again, I don't know if there will be more chapters, but I appreciate everyone who's read anyway and I encourage reviews, because they make me feel good, and to know if I'm actually putting quality out there and not just rambling.   
> I hope you all have a great day/night/unit of time in which you are living.   
> You are loved.

 Jen's always the first to wake up. Maybe it's nerves or anxiety or something along those lines, or maybe it's because she doesn't want to miss an opportunity to look at Lana with her face squished against a pillow for a few peaceful minutes before they go back to pretending this is just an unusual progression of their friendship. As if multiple sexual encounters, planned and otherwise, don't completely change which label is the correct one to string between them. 

Not that it happens often. Every once and a while one of them will show up at the others door, already sorry for what they know will happen, but unwilling to cut it off at the neck or the balls or wherever would sever this absolutely inappropriate union. Or they text 'are you busy?' and 'can I come over?'

Both of them had a couple days off, and yesterday was a rare day they didn't need to be shamelessly in each others pants. Lana came over a little after noon and made lunch without being asked to. They got coffee and took Lola for a walk and laughed and talked. They went back to Lana's for some reason, even though Jen's apartment was closer. They even watched The Stepford Wives to completion and talked over end credits before anything other than familiar touches happened. Lana smiled and leaned in and they just kissed for a little while, laying on the couch and lazily tossing lip locks back and forth, letting time pass or stop and twist in the way it liked.

They made dinner and kissed some more.

Jen decided to take over the dishes, and Lana cut that off. She didn't even care about the wet hands as she tugged Jen's shirt off and turned her around. Suddenly it was the first time all over again - all hot and rushed and silent afterward. The only difference was it was a scary reality they knew. You can stare your mistake in the face but it doesn't make it less of a mistake.

But Jen kept staring, the way her fingers wrapped around the corner of the pillow and the curve of her breast pressed against the sheet.

That's probably what did it. She reached out and let the backs of her fingers slide along the tanned skin - shoulder - back - almost to her hip, and Lana let out a violent shiver and opened her eyes.

She took in the room quickly, surprise not curiously absent from her face as she yawned. "Hey." She rubbed her eyes and let her head hit the pillow again.

"Hi." Jen smiled softly and shimmied back under the covers all the way up to her neck and faced Lana. "You know you're ugly when you sleep."

Lana hummed a throaty laugh and kept her eyes shut. "Well, you're ugly when you're awake, so who's the real loser here?"

"Why do you always have to be on like that?"

"On?" Lana yawned again and rolled on to her back, arching and twisting the slightest bit.

Jen nodded. "You always have your stupid come-back and no one else can compete."

"Yeah, that's called wit." She opened one eye. "I have witty come-backs. That's all."

"But you _always_ have them."

"And you _always_ laugh, why are you complaining?" Lana doesn't bother covering up - all confidence and brass all the time.

The blonde just shrugged with a little smile. "Not complaining. Just... "

"Popped into your head?"

"Yeah."

They just looked at each other.

It was strange how their positions had changed so completely. Jen bared her soul - no more secrets or holding back, and Lana sat there holding all the chips and waiting for the dealer to hit her with another card before she bet.

She rolled closer to Jen, facing her and looking in her eyes intently, the smallest fraction of a smirk playing in her eyes. "Hi." She whispered.

Jen let her eyes blink lazily through the grin she had no control over. "Hey there."

"Come here often?"

She lifted her shoulder in a half-shrug. "Only when the husband's away."

The joy filtered away from Lana's face. "What?"

"Shit.." Jen frowned. "I meant it as a joke... it just came out."

Lana turned and got out of bed with a huff, tying her hair up with the elastic around her wrist.

"I don't have the witty come backs." She propped herself up her elbows and sighed. "I'm sorry. It wasn't on purpose-"

"Don't... I don't want you to talk about him, okay?"

"Lana-"

She pulled on a pair of shorts and kept searching for a T-shirt. "The husband isn't away, Jennifer, I am. I'm the one who's... away."

Jen just nodded.

"And he's not playing the antagonist here. You don't have the right-" She rubbed her face again and leaned against the dresser, facing Jen. "He doesn't have any part in this. And I don't want you to talk about him. Please."

Jen had pulled her knees up and stared at them through the latter half of what Lana said.

"He's a good person."

She gave one nod this time.

Lana sighed. "Are you going to say anything?"

"I don't know what I would say."

"Well what are you thinking?" She frowned.

Jen took a moment, and looked at her - maybe just hoping to get some sort of vibe or something to give her a hint to the path of least resistance so she could walk away unscathed. Not that that was possible because she'd already signed herself up for a fight with her idiot mouth. She licked her lips and let her head fall against the wall with a little thump. "Just.. you don't have to do this. You love him _so much_ , and he's not the bad guy-"

"I _DO_ love him."

"So great! You married him, obviously you love him, so why fuck around on the side?"

"STOP!" Lana yelled and put her hands up, waving the conversation away. She came and sat down on Jen's side of the bed. "Let's stop. Let's just start over. I don't want to do this."

Jen shook her head and scooted away, tucking the sheets under her armpits to hold them up. "No, let's talk about it. Where here, let's fucking explore."

"Jen-"

"No, let's talk about it! We've never addressed it, so come on. Why are _you_ doing this?"

"Just me?" Lana pointed toward the center of her chest. " _I'm_ the only one participating."

"No, fuck you. I've already told you I love you, that's why I'm here. Why are you doing this if you love him so much?"

She could see how hard Lana was trying to stay angry, but it only served to usher in a lump to the middle of her throat.

"Okay - no. Better question;" She got up and got the robe from the bathroom and stood in the doorway. "Why did you even marry him in the first place?"

Lana crossed her arms defensively. "Don't attack my marriage, Jen. Don't do it."

"I'm not talking about the marriage itself - you. What is that decision making process that, after you told me he proposed and we kissed and you told him no. So then you come to my trailer and expect us to.. I don't know, start dating and whatever and I said no, and immediately you went back and got engaged again."

"I didn't-"

"No! And then after that, that night at my apartment, do you remember, when you locked your keys in my car and you stayed over, and you still married him."

Too many beats of silence played, Lana just stared. "What's your question?"

"Why? You were so ready to leave him, and then you tried to push yourself on me, and you still went through with it. Why did you marry him?"

"I don't have to justify my decision-"

"I know you don't have to, but I'm asking, Lana."

"I-I made.. a commitment, and I followed through. I don't know!"

"You don't know?" Jen shook her head and laughed out of disbelief. "You just went along with it."

"It's not as simple as walking away, and I love him, I do-"

"Do you love me?"

Lana's head snapped up but she didn't answer.

Jen shrugged and put her hands in the robe pockets. "You have to feel something, right? But I've said it over and over and you just fuck me instead of saying anything back."

She couldn't deny it, that much was obvious, but the dumbfounded look on her face was enough to make Jen want to scream.

"If we went back and I kissed you back... in my trailer. That day you told me you gave the ring back - would we have-"

"Don't make me do that." Lana got up and headed for the kitchen.

But Jen followed, right behind. "Don't what?"

"Don't make me choose, Jen. That's not fair."

She stood in front of the refrigerator, blocking Lana's way. "Not fair to who?"

"Stop it."

"Why?"

"BECAUSE IT WOULDN'T BE YOU." Lana shook her head and tears welled up in her eyes. "I wouldn't pick you."

Jen stared at her blankly.

"After... after everything happened, I called Fred and I told him I needed to see him. After I broke his heart and told him I wouldn't marry him, he still came - missed his flight - came back and I told him everything. I told him why I gave the ring back and I told him you didn't want me... and that I loved him. It was never about not loving him, it was about.. thinking about you and wanting to be with you and I couldn't go through with everything without trying with you at least once." She wiped her eyes and took her hair down, scratching her head with both hands. "If we went back to your trailer, yes. I would have followed through with however that went, whether it worked or not I would have given us a shot. But now, no. Absolutely not. He took me back and held be while I cried over you." She finally looked back at Jen. "I even told him about staying over at your house, and kissing you again."

The blonde kept blinking tears away.

"I married him after everything because he stayed. He decided I was worth it anyway after fucking up so many times, he still loves me. And then there's you... and I have this wonderful man who's willing to give me the world and I gave you chances, and instead of saying you wanted me, you ran away, and then you lied, and then when you told the truth you didn't ask to try again, you didn't tell me you wanted me - you said you were scared. So no, I didn't call the wedding off because it didn't sound like there could be anything between us."

Jen dabbed at her eyes. "But we're here-"

"Yeah, you... I don't know what you did." She huffed and slid down until she sat on the floor. "Everything got so confusing, because we were together all the time and you looked at me like you loved me, but I thought you were still scared? Or scared away enough to just be friends, and I was fine with it. I could have lived with just friends, but you show up at my door-" Lana burst into tears. In a seconds notice her lip curled under and the tears started flowing.

In her mind Jen didn't have a choice but to drop down next to her and hold her, letting a few of her own tears slip as well. "I ruined everything."

Lana shook her head. "I could have said no - I-"

"But I kept pushing you away and then out of the blue I just.. it's me fucking up and dragging you down with me."

"No, we both-"

Jen kissed her.

She didn't know why, but it's the only thing that felt right, even though the act itself was wrong. It was the only thing she could do that made the tears start to melt down to sniffles. She took Lana's hands after she pulled away and leaned her head against a cabinet.

Lana frowned again. "I can't say that I don't love you, because that's not true. And we're both to blame for this."

"But I started it."

The latina's shoulders dropped and she cast her eyes down, but she didn't disagree.

And Jen made the last jump without having to dig anymore. "And you're not in love with me." She frowned. "Loving me... it's not the same, is it?"

She shook her head "No." She whispered, and her face twisted in tears again. "I love you both... I don't want to hurt either of you." Her head fell into the center of Jen's chest as she sobbed like someone died. "I don't know how I got here. I don't know what to do."

Jen just held on tight, swallowing down the last of her tears and pressing kisses into Lana's hair. "We'll stop."

Lana kept crying, holding on to Jen's arms fiercely but she didn't say anything.

"I'll stop."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baaaaack by popular demand. A prompt from tumblr inspired me. My brother's girlfriend ended up being my beta for the evening. And I'm sorry - as always.   
> And I have a twitter now - not that that's of any consequence.

No one knew she wasn’t there until it was too late. Hair and makeup had already done their job and closed up shop other than their touch-up kits and half the cast was already in costume when Lana just disappears. Of course it’s colder than a Siberian winter and Disney on Ice put together – tech is already sound checking when Jared comes out of the woodwork.

“What do you mean, _missing_?” Ginny asks, every bit her character.

Jared waves his arms around like a scared chicken but with the blank, irritated, teenager face he’s grown into. “She’s gone. I went back to the trailer because my mom got her a gift and now I can’t find her.” The little box in his hand is probably a coffee mug or a candle.

“Fuck.” She said it more to herself, but Ginny and Jared just take it as frustration rather than the pure, unadulterated dread Jen feels.

It takes all of five minutes for cast and crew alike to go into crisis mode. They find her phone in her trailer but she isn’t there. Someone called Fred, but he hasn’t talked to her since the night before. And without the glue of the show, there isn’t a ton of reasons to stick around.

Only one scene gets filmed to completion, just so they don’t have to call the day a complete waste and everyone gets paid. But Jen’s head isn’t in the game, so Emma looks honestly conflicted, and the “Great Job!” the director yells out after they wrap might not be a lie today. Still 1pm is a shit wrap time, even if their call time is still the typical ass-crack of dawn call time. Everyone breaks in a weird mood, and exchanging sentiments to keep an eye out for Lana.

So the hunt begins – Jen barely gets changed and takes the damn extensions out before she jumps in the car and goes through the mental check list. The door man to her apartment hasn’t seen her, she’s not at the little café right by the retirement home down the street. She drove two laps around the dog park, but if Lana’s in there she didn’t take her car.

By the time 4pm rolls around, the sky is getting considerably darker and Jen calls the apartments again only to find out she still hasn’t come back. There is a knot in her stomach that could keep a yacht docked through a hurricane, but she doesn’t know where else to look. Even though it still feels wrong, she goes back to her own apartment, wracking her brain on locations she might not have thought of.

All the way up until she finds her door unlocked and the TV going.

Then, there she is – curled up, asleep with a fuzzy blanket over her costume. She didn’t even take the blazer off.

It’s obvious that she was crying; the mascara smudges and makeup rubbed off her nose is testament to that, but god, is she ever still beautiful.

Before Jen wakes her up, she gets a flannel that Lana will surely drown in and some of her fleece lined leggings. Even then, she just looks at her for a minute. She wonders why it feels so good to have her back here when she knows it’s a bad sign. It says Lana misses her just as much as she does and that’s not what should go through the mind of a married woman.

Jen moves to the side of the couch, running her fingers through Lana’s hair until she opens her eyes.

The heavy gulp and grimace precede the bloodshot eyes and the deep frown that looks so foreign on her face.

“Hey.” Jen whispers.

But Lana pushes her hand away roughly and wraps her own arms a bit tighter around herself.

“Is this how you’re going to treat me?” Jen tries to joke. “You came _here_ , kiddo.”

“I’m older than you.”

Suddenly they’re back on that rooftop, everything raw and tender, and Jen has to clasp her hands together to the point of pain to keep from touching her.

There are long beats of silence before Lana closes her eyes and turns back towards Jen. “Maybe old Regina is right. Maybe love really is weakness.”

That level of drama isn’t normal. Jen frowns. “Are you drunk?”

Lana shrugs. “I drank the rest of your Jack?”

Jen just helps her to sit up and hands her the new clothes. “Go change – I’ll hang up your costume.”

Her feet fall to the ground limply and she’s hunched over, palms up, nothing to hide behind. “I just give so much of myself away. I feel like I have nothing left.” Her words are slurred and there isn’t a question now. “I’m so tired all the time.”

The knot is back, and Jen hugs her and helps her to stand quickly, before they can relax into each other like they’re used to.

Lana’s steps are wobbly, but Jen manages to get her into the bathroom in one (physical) piece, pushing her inside gently with the new clothes and gives her the hair tie from her wrist. She waits outside through the grunts and sounds of stumbling. Thankfully, no obvious collision type noises can be heard, and Lana emerges just as helpless looking. Without a word, she goes back to the couch. All Jen can do is get her a face wipe for her makeup.

It takes her a minute before deciding to busy herself in the kitchen while Lana is sobering her mind at the very least. Her huge jug of water that’s usually reserved for exercising finds its way to the coffee table and Lana sips at it without a fight. Eventually tears happen, but she just wipes them away from her newly clean cheeks, and Jen doesn’t prod for explanation. She doesn’t need it.

The TV is both ambient noise and Lana’s excuse not to look at Jen flitting around the kitchen, even though she’s not watching and they both know it. Dinner is ready just past seven; chicken, mixed veggies and salad, and they eat in silence while the last bit of buzz seems to leave Lana’s movements. So when they’re finished, she’s the one to take their dishes to the sink.

When she sits again, there’s just a little less space between them than before.

Lana’s the one to reach for Jen’s hand, but Jen almost gasps at how cold they are. Instinctively her free hand covers the back of Lana’s, who just sighs deeply.

“This is hard.”

Jen nods. But it’s what they agreed on, and frankly how it should be. Four months and all they’ve done is talked when they’re on set or at events. Nothing more than exactly what’s appropriate. And they lie to themselves about how well it’s working. They’re both lonely and sad, and reach for each other under the guise of comradery on set, hugging each other a bit too long. But the idea of the greater good shames them into accepting the distance.

“Do you-“

“He wants me to have a baby.”

Her chin buckles as her bottom lip curls under just a bit. As her eyes fill up with tears, she finally looks up into Jen’s eyes. “I should want to, right?”

Jen doesn’t have a response – her lips are just parted in shock that she can’t hide.

“He’s the kind of man I’ve waited for. I should want to give him children and have my own family, but I don’t. I don’t want to play Suzie Homemaker and bake…” She wipes her face. “I don’t see him at all when I think of kids… not of my kids.”

Jen shakes her head all too quickly. “I don’t want kids.”

“Okay, that doesn’t stop me thinking about you,” Her mouth is almost in a sneer, “picturing my life with you in it like some parallel universe.”

She doesn’t say that picturing Lana with a baby, or a toddler, or anything that could look like their kid is _almost_ enough to change her mind, but that would put them way behind square one and they’ve worked too hard. She just pinches her mouth in a straight line and looks at her hands and the feather on Lana’s wrist she remembers kissing all too vividly. _Almost_ won’t ever cut it, though.

Lana pulls Jen’s arm over her shoulders and curls up at her side, giving in to her tears.

Jen starts to tense, “Please-“

“Just let me pretend.” Her back is to Jen’s rib cage and she holds on to her forearm so hard it might bruise. “Like we’re just friends again and I’m not this person.”

And Jen breaks down, turning and hugging Lana close with both arms as she kisses the back of her head. Her eyes close and she loses herself for a second in the full, deep threat she’s finally able to take into that thick, black hair, before she can cry too. After just a little while, it turns into Lana who’s holding her – Turned around, up on her knees, cradling her in the most delicate way.

It’s half familiarity and half desperation that moves Jen’s arms to squeeze Lana’s middle.

Maybe it’s the same that has Lana’s hands in the yellow hair, and then their foreheads pressed together.

Their noses poke each other’s cheeks.

No one leans in first or second as their lips flicker over and under and their tears stand still on their wet cheeks.

Lana’s thumbs are under Jen’s cheek bones and Jen notices her own hands in the curve of Lana’s waist, and it’s obvious that nothing has alleviated the pain like this. The void filled, only it’s the void they tried to excise and were trying to let heal back together.

Square zero. Off the board. They’ve both already lost.

Jen kisses first, but Lana makes the order almost indistinguishable as she reciprocates. They’re both ligh headed, and tired, and disgusted with themselves.

“This won’t work.” Jen’s strangled words are quiet but solid.

Lana nods and presses closer. “I know.”


End file.
